christmas tree

Stress Reducing Advice

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what mayhappen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so that you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that willcompromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often toomany.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time;don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find outwhat God would have you do and let go of the anxiety ..If you can't doanything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinarypurchases.
13. Have backups: an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house keyburied in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent anenormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You every day.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so that everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality oflife.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems inthe bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try to pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often agood "Thank you, Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best theycan).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for thatyou've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGSAROUND FOR YOU.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans8:31)

God has kept me here for a reason.

I survived because He has a plan for me.

All my bad relationships, the consequences, the

hard times, the sad times, the death of my loved ones, the back

stabbing from my friends, the negative thoughts, or the lack of

support; I made it because I am blessed!

I release and let go of all past hurts, misunderstandings and grudges

because I am abundantly blessed! I recognize them as the illusions

they are, and sent from the enemy to kill my spirit, steal my joy, and

destroy my faith; For God is all there is. All else is a lie! Now give

yourself a hug, wipe your tears away and walk in victory!!!!!!!!

I love you, but more appropriately God loves you BEST!

Be blessed and know that you are at one with THE SPIRIT OF THE LIVING GOD!

And may the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.

Genesis 31:49. Amen!


Be Blessed "The Will of GOD will never take you where the GRACE of GOD

will not protect.

Watch your tougue

Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to
create conditions in your life. What you speak about, you can bring about.

If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.
If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick.
If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.
If you keep saying you're broke, guess what? You'll always be broke.

If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always
find someone in your life to hurt and betray you.

If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed.

If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or
believe in you, your very thought will attract more experiences to
confirm your beliefs.

! If you keep talking about a divorce or break up in a relationship,
then you might end up with it.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more
positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action.

Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.

Watch your Thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your Habits, they become character.
Watch your Character, for it becomes your Destiny.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for.


Thought I would share this with you.

In the search for me, I discovered truth.
In the search for truth, I discovered love.
In the search for love, I discovered GOD.
And in God, I have found Everything.

Be Blessed


Watch how your circumstances and situations begin to change when you change the way you speak.

Curtis's First Buck

Hey Family,

Lets congratulate Curtis on Bagging his first "buck" (deer). I know for some this may mean little or nothing, but for those of us who enjoy the outdoors, THIS IS BIG.

It's like catching your first fish for a 5 year old boy, or catching the big one when your 16 years old. Curtis I'm proud of you and keep up the tradition.

Peace,

Unc...

Pray by Laurice Fields

Caught Up wit an old friend the other day..
He was moanin n cryin about his life being in dismay..
He ask'd "Whats shall i do?"
I told him to pray..
He replied "No way, God don't wanna listen
to what i have to say."
So I said 'STAY'
"Stay with the mess your sulkin in..
Go find your enemies and b-come friends with them.. again..
Make yourself weak, become meek, blind..
Hide your shame yungin hide your shame..
Just don't point in other's direction when your to blame."
He spit with venom on his tongue..
"Oh, you became one of those holy ones..
Actin like you've descended from the the sun..
NAH SON..
You just don't know what i've been through..
Walking the streets with your head down.
hoping noone seen you.
Man i got issues."
I'm like, "Dude i don't have time to lend you a chair
and pass you tissues..
I'm no therapist.. I'm not good at this."
He had the sickest grin when he said..
"Since you picked up a Bible..
your on this whole spiritual thing.
Girl please when it all falls down,
You'll have a sad song to sing..
And everytime you sing .
it'll start to sting..
And the more it stings ..
the more'll you'll think..
and with every thought it brings..
you'll begin to sink.
With that said I suddenly had a burst of Joy..
You know the type when a child gets a new toy.
With a smile i gave my reply..
"I will confess
at some point ..
my life was in a mess.
This too used to have ya girl STRESSED.
You remember when i used to hang around..
By men; I used to get clown'd
BUT NOW
I realized life will have its ups and downs..
and I will not give anyone the satisfaction
to see me frown..
Because that battle has already been won.
Place me infront of all my enemies
locked and loaded..
I'll stand victorious with out a gun.
I CAN'T BE TOUCH'D..
Yes I know the thought of it is way too much.
now you can tell ..
that at this current moment my life is pretty well.
Oh No No .PLEASE ...
There's nothin else you could possibly say..
but I will say ..
If you want a change in your life ...
Start to pray."

Dream girls original

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC_u_q-iND0

Be Yourself

The key to living a happy, fulfilling, satisfied life, is really very simple. Just be the person God made you to be, and have the courage to do what God called you to do. He has a unique and individual plan for your life, and the way to becoming a champion for God is to discover that plan and follow it wherever it may lead. But because you are human, it's easy for you to get distracted—many times, because you're trying too hard to please other people. Of course, there are legitimate demands on your time that must be met. The good news is that these things don't have to thwart God's plans for you. Just make it your desire to follow and please Him, and you won't be thrown off the path by life's demands and distractions.

Prayer:
Lord, please help me today to use the abilities and gifts You have given me to honor You. Thank You for not expecting me to try and be someone other than the person You made me to be. In Jesus' name. Amen.

"Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly." (Romans 12:6)

PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!

Dear Lord,
I thank You for this day.
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I p ray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.


If God brings you to it, He will carry you through it...

OH IT'S ON NOW!!!! ......TOP TREE

In the spirit of a little good natured seasonal competition, lets post pictures of our Christmas trees, the best Christmas tree as chosen by VOTE by the family wins a $25.00 gift certificate to RED LOBSTER.

This is ours... What y'all know about a ROTATING TREE...it's spinning, it's spinning, it's spinning..

"Monthly Praise and Worship Song"

This is a new feature to the Website "Monthly Praise and Worship Song". This song has a special place in my heart.

Song: A Secret Place

Artist: Karen Clark Sheard

Album: 2nd Chance

Year of Released: July 2002

Click here to purchase from iTunes

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=220159096&s=143441&i=220159713

I PRAY THAT.....

I PRAY THAT....God would continue to bless this family and allow us to grow stronger a unit as the family continues to grow.

Anyone else with something to add?

JOKE OF THE MONTH....DECEMBER 2007

Top 5 Signs you bought a lousy Christmas Tree.

5. It's two feet tall, forty feet wide.
4. The Sales guy at the tree store asks: "You're not a cop, are you?".
3. It looks like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.
2. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
1. Your neighbor is JEWISH and has a better Christmas trees than yours.


My personal favorite..

Your CAT wont touch it (now that's a bad tree)

Decembers Monthly Best Wishes

Hey Family,
It's time for December's Monthly Best Wishes. Family Members with events happening in this month POST it and let the family know about it. REMEMBER, if it's important to you it's important to us.

First let’s all congratulate Beverly on her marriage to Mr. Robert Riddick on OCTOBER 16, 2007 (now her father, brother and husband are named "Robert") Beverly, I guess you officially GOT "ROBBED" on October 6th huh? "Just kidding" welcome to the family brother Riddick. In addition we like welcome to the family... Let me do this in my boxing announcer voice.
"In this corner, weighing 6 lbs, 4oz. coming in kicking and screaming, attached to umbilical cord, with a big snot booger in his nose, family please welcome....La'Brawn (Dr. after you did that, it hurts when I Pee Pee) Noal Riddickkkkkkkkkkkkkk" (Beverly you been a busy young lady). Born to Robert and Beverly Riddick on November 26, 2007 at 12:53 am.

BIRTHDAYS
Family Member: Robin Fields (wife of Robert C. Fields)
Date: December 1st
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Sir Porter Fields
Date: December 3rd (Monday)
Event: Birthday 1 YEAR OLD

Family Member: Daveen Fields-Mann
Date: December 4th (Tuesday)
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Thomas E. Fields III

Date: December 12th

Event: Birthday

Family Member: Rokiya Fields
Date: December 14th
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Latoya Weeks
Date: December 24th
Event: Birthday

Family Member: JESUS CHRIST (Son of GOD)

Date: December 25th

Event: Birthday

Family Member: D’Maya Fields
Date: December 28th
Event: Birthday

Last but certainly not least on December 1st 1994 we buried our grandfather Robert C. Vanhorn. I have great memories of "Granpop" as we called him. He was a Gentleman in every sense of the word, he loved (the love of his life) his wife, our Grandma Olive (he called her "Ollie") and years after her death he would cry when he talked about her a true "gentle" man. He always had an open house and made you feel comfortable and he loved his kids and grand kids. When I was a kid he would take me to the movies and he loved Wilderness and Outdoor movies. I would go over his house and we would watch TV together and he loved WWF WRESTING and the METS. He took me to see Grizzly Adams and The Wilderness Family and I still remember riding in the back of that old Station Wagon, man we had great times together. When I was in 6th grade my school was 2 blocks from his house and I would go over his house and we would talk and he would make his home made Beef Stew, I'd eat and go to sleep, man no one makes it better till this day. GRANDPOP I know I can speak for this family when I say we love and miss you.

The Incomparable Christ

But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. -Isaiah53:5

He came from the bosom of the Father to the bosom of a woman. He put on humanity that we might put on divinity. He became Som of Man that we might become sons of God.

He was born in a supernatural way, lived on poverty, reared in obsurity. Only once crossed the boundary of the land, in childhood. He had no wealth nor influence, and no college education; yet the profoundest wisdom of men has never equalled His last discourses in John 13 to 17, and the sermon on the mount. "Never man spake like this man."

His relatives were inconspicuous and uninfluential. In infancy He startled a king; in boyhood He puzzled the doctors; even at twelve years of age proving He was far in advance of the theologians, for He was taught of God; in manhood He ruled the elements, so that He could defy the laws of gravitation by walking on the water, and quiet the raging sea. He healed the multitudes without medicine, and made no charge for His services.

He never wrote a book, yet not all the libraries of the country could hold the books that have been written about Him. He never wrote a song, yet He was furnished the theme of more songs than all song writers combined. He never founded a college, yet all the schools together cannot boast of as many students as He has.

He never marshalled an army, drafted a soldier, nor fired a gun, yet no leader ever made more volunteers,who have under His orders made rebels stack arms or surrender without a shot being fired.

Great men have come and gone, yet He lives on, Herod could not kill HIM, Satan could not seduce HIM, Death could not destry Him, the grave could not hold Him, and even demons obeyed Him. He fed the hungry multitudes with a boy's little lunch, broke up funerals, and gave back to life those that were dead.

He laid aside His purple rode for a peasant's gown. He was rich, yet for oursakes he became poor. Ask the Wise Men. He slept in another's manger; He cruised the lake in another's boat. He rode on a borrowed beast. He was buried in a rich man's tomb.

He conquered death, rose on the third day as He said He would, ascended into heaven with power and great glory for His own born-again, blood-bought ones to be forever with Him according to promise after which He will judge the world in righteousness, when every knee shall bow to Him and every tongue shall confess Him as Lord. His friends gladly, but His enemies seeking for a place to hide from His face. (Rev. 6:15).

The ever Perfect One- He is the Chief among ten thousand, the only One who can satify the soul and give everlasting LIFE to those who have it not.

HE IS ALTOGETHER LOVELY,

and He is MY Savior.

** Fields Family BE BLESSED**

something fun for the family you have to time your self

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

The rules to the game are written below and there's the website address where the game is located. Just hit the big blue circular button on the bottom right and it takes you to the game Japanese IQ Test ... See if you can figure it out Apparently this is an IQ test given to employees in Japan. Everybody has to cross the river. The following rules apply: * Only 2 persons on the raft at a time * The father cannot stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence * The mother cannot stay with any of the sons without their father's presence * The thief (striped shirt) cannot stay alone with any family member * Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft * To move the people click on them. * To move the raft click on the red balls http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

Result: If you succeed in:
4 minutes: you are a Genius
6 minutes: You are exceptionally intelligent
10 minutes: You are very intelligent
20 minutes: You are average
25 minutes: You are a bit slow
30 minutes or more: You are terrible

Get InTo This

I Seen This Clip and I Just HAD TO SHARE.

GET INTO THIS >>> http://youtube.com/watch?v=hpG1EwV29x4

This is one of my fav. metaphorical slayers... (poets Lol)

Enjoy it family. Get inspired and Be Blessed

Baby Fields/ Riddick has arrived

I WILL LIKE TO WELCOME

La'Brawn Noal Riddick

6lbs. 4oz.

12:53 AM

Nov.26, 2007

Mother:
Beverly L Fields (Riddick)
as of Oct 6th 2007...Beverly L Riddick

Father:
Robert Riddick

I Care

I hear your heart when it crys.

I see your true feelings deep inside.

I care.

I want you to make the right choices TODAY.

I want you to know that its ME you shall Obey.

I care.

Can you get through this life victorious?

YES!

Don't you know I'm Notorious?!

When your down and out and you feel

Like you can't see.

Know that it is ME,

That sits High and Looks Low.

I will wash away your sins for FREE.

You will have a New Glow.

Why Do I Love You So?

I care.

Tyler Perry has OFFICIALLY lost his mind!

what will he do next

try not to laugh to hard


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3bOJWToPOI

FUNNY VIDEO

Beautiful

Yes I know they looks like me...... this family has strong genes...

Sand and Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”


They kept on walking until they found as Oasis, where they decided to take a bath, the one who had been slapped got stuck in the Mire and started drowning but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the drowning, he wrote on a stone:

“Today my friend saved my life.”


The friend who had slapped and saved his friend asked him,

After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone, Why?”

The friends replied: “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away; but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them. a day to love them but than an entire life to forget them.

Take the time to live!

Do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life!

Take the time to live!




"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

GOD Wrote it Down. by Laurice Fields

When she was a little girl:
She abused her physically and mentally and GOD.. wrote it down.

When she reached her teenage years:
She was abandoned and became pregnant with her first son and GOD.... wrote it down.

When she reached her 20s & 30s:
She had her share of bad relationships, a mother of three children left to raise them by herself and GOD... wrote it down.

When she reached her 40s and Early 50s:
She became tired and weary and ask GOD .. WHY... why did so many years pass her by and there was no progress to show ..

GOD replied:
When you were little and was treated unfairly I made a mental note to bless your heart. So when you gave birth to your children you would love them unconditionally.

When you were abandoned as a teenager and gave birth to you first child I Blessed him too. He is in the image of Me. I am GOD the Protector. I sent your son to Protect you.

Through your 20s and 30s I seen those awful relationships you were in and so I made a mental note to Bless you again. You gave birth to your sencond son .. I Blessed him too. He is in the image of Me.I am GOD the Comforter. I sent your second son to Comfort you.

You asked for someone to Love and i made that mental note to Bless you a third time. You gave birth to your daughter. I Blessed her too. She is in the image of Me. I am God..I Am LOVE. I sent your daughter to Love you.

Remember I will never leave nor forsake you.

GOD WANTS ME TO TELL YOU....

Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you
this year. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve
all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2007),
all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be
incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings,
sorrows, and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you.
He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.
I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What
can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person
reading this ".. . God smiled and answered... Request granted.

Court Order

You have been accused of accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and bombarding God with prayers!

You are hereby sentenced to Everlasting Life

No bail, No Appeal.






You have been labeled
Blessed and hereby detained in God's custody forever,
Amen.

You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals.



Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but FAITH looks up.

Lord, grant me patience to endure my blessing...... When the devil comes knocking at your door, simply say...

"Jesus, could you get that for me please"?

Monthly Best Wishes....November

Family, it's time for November Monthly Best Wishes.

Family Members with something happening in this month POST it and let the family know about it.

Family Member: Beverly L. Fields - (our beloved sister)
Date: November 10th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Carolyn Fields
Date: November 12th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Markell Howard
Date: November 14th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Dwayne Fields
Date: November 15th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Sam Mann
Date: November 16th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Family Member: Nilyne Fields
Date: November 26th, 2007
Event: Birthday

Anyone one else have anything to post, let us know

Peace, Unc...

JOKE OF THE MONTH....NOVEMBER 2007

Huge Pause


A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and............... coke” The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”

Dear Lord by Laurice Fields

I have walked away from you.

I have used your name in vain.

I've stopped praying.

I was ashamed to say i know you.

I blamed you when things didn't go right in my life.

I refused to praise you.

I even glorified myself KNOWING; without you NOTHING is possible.

...............So Here i am Lord... Broken inside and OUT..

In need of Guidance

In need of Unconditional Love,

Knowledge.. and Strength.

In need of YOU to cover me and protect me.


All i want FORGIVENESS!!

Another chance to give you FULL CONTROL OVER MY LIFE.

Your Child,
Laurice Fields

BLACK WOMAN'S SMILE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPBH57BWhpE

August 10-12, 2007

Come on People, On the Path From Victims to Victors

On what it takes:

“What will it take to pull our people out of poverty? What will get us to contemplate a life with brighter dreams? What will inspire us to pursue the future as if it mattered? How will we learn to respect ourselves and help each other? What will it take for us to become entrepreneurs and to run businesses that will serve the community, not destroy it? We ask these questions only because we think there are answers, real ones, attainable ones.”

On criticism:

“Certain people tell us that we are picking on the poor. Many of those who accuse us are scholars and intellectuals, upset that we are not blaming everything on white people as they do. Well, only blaming the system keeps certain black people in the limelight but it also keeps the black poor wallowing in victimhood.”

On raising children:

“All black parents can do right by their children, and all black children can succeed. There is no reason why not.”
“Use standard English when you have your kids together, not Black English. They’ll hear enough of that in the streets…Watch the movie My Fair Lady. All cultures discriminate against people who have not mastered the standard language, and when race is involved, it is all that much harder for a nonstandard speaker to feel competent or even at home in the culture.”

On the media:

“Some of the most negative images of African Americans on TV and in the movies seem to be the most popular among young people—black and white. With both good and bad media out there, you have to help select media for kids that will support their successes and suppress their urge to give up or drop out.”

On black men:

“Gangsta rap makes our young people tough, but not so tough they can walk through prison walls. It can jazz them about sex, but it can’t begin to make them a good father. No matter how often, or how publicly they grab their crotches, crotch-grabbing isn’t even going to get them a bus ride downtown.”
“When all is said and done, the black child is our future. It’s time for us men to think of the future, to straighten out our acts, to say to ourselves, I am more interested in raising my child than any other issue I had before. I’m going to behave or get help, but it’s about the child. No matter how useless or hopeless a father may think he is, his role is simply to be there. If he makes that commitment, he is a much better man than he thought he was.”

On “victimhood”:

“Sometimes people with a victim mentality feel hopeless and do self-destructive things that make their lives even worse. It is time to redirect that energy. It is time to think positively and act positively. Black communities and families must provide our youth with the love and guidance that keeps them strong and on that positive path. Blaming white people can be a way for some black people to feel better about themselves but it doesn’t pay the electric bills.”

Chapter 1

WHAT’ S GOING ON WITH BLACK MEN?

For the last generation or two, as our communities dissolved and our parenting skills broke down, no one has suffered more than our young black men.

Your authors have been around long enough, and traveled widely enough, to think we understand something about the problem. And we’re hopeful enough—or desperate enough—to think that with all of us working together we might find our way to a solution. Let’s start with one very basic fact. Back in 1950, before Brown v. Board of Education, before the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act, when Rosa Parks was still sitting in the back of her Montgomery bus, when the NBA was just about all white, back in those troubled times, black boys were born into a different world than they are today. Obviously, many civil rights leaders had hoped that with the demise in the 1960s of officially sanctioned forms of segregation and discrimination, black males would have greater access to the mainstream of American society. They had fully expected that these young men would be in a better position in every way—financially, psychologically, legally—to sustain viable marriages and families. Instead, the overall situation has continued to go downhill among the poor who are mostly shut out from the mainstream of success.

How is that possible?

There is one statistic that captures the bleakness. In 1950, five out of every six black children were born into a two-parent home. Today, that number is less than two out of six. In poor communities, that number is lower still. There are whole blocks with scarcely a married couple, whole blocks without responsible males to watch out for wayward boys, whole neighborhoods in which little girls and boys come of age without seeing up close a committed partnership and perhaps never having attended a wedding.

BUILD ON OUR LEGACY

In 1950, we still feared our parents and respected them. We know that for a fact because we were both in our early teens that year and were both testing our limits. We and the others in our generation weren’t saints. We’ll be the first to admit that. We were filled with piss and vinegar like many teenage boys—white, black, and otherwise.

If we saw something we wanted and didn’t have any money—and trust us, few of us ever had money—we thought about taking it, sure. But something called “parenting,” something that had wormed its way into our heads from the time we were still in the womb, said to us, If you get caught stealing it, you’re going to embarrass your mother. The voice didn’t say, You’re going to get your butt kicked.We knew that and expected that from experience. No, that inner voice said, You’re going to embarrass your mother. You’re going to embarrass your family. As we became older and grew more interested in girls, our hormones raged just as boys’ hormones rage today.

The Internet may be new. Cell phones may be new. But sex, we don’t need to tell you, has been around since Adam and Eve. So has shame. We knew that if one of us got a girl pregnant, not only would she have to go visit that famous “aunt in South Carolina,” but young Romeo would have to go too, not to South Carolina maybe, but somewhere. It would be too embarrassing for Romeo’s family for him to just sit around in the neighborhood with a fat Cheshire cat smile on his face. And there was something else we understood: that girl likely had a daddy in the home. And he’d be prepared to wipe that grin off Romeo’s face permanently. This was what parenting was about. It wasn’t always pretty, but it could be pretty effective. Parenting works best when both a mother and a father participate.

Some mothers can do it on their own, but they need help. A house without a father is a challenge. A neighborhood without fathers is a catastrophe, and that’s just about what we have today. Can we fix this? Can we change it? We don’t have a choice. We have to take our neighborhoods back. We have to go in there and do it ourselves. We saw what happened in New Orleans when people waited for the government to help. “Governments” are things. Governments don’t care. People care, and no people care like parents do—well, except maybe grandparents and other caregivers, and thank God for them.

Richard Rowe, in Baltimore, reported on one path to change: Twenty years ago in this city we started the “Rites of Passage.” Nobody else was doing it on the East Coast. We started looking at how the African-American male was going downhill. Twenty years from now, I hope we will not be having this same type of conversation. The purpose of our program is to nurture young men who can maintain, protect, and provide for a family and a community.

The problems start early for black boys, and we can all see it. Call it ADHD or learning differences or whatever you like, but our young black males can act up a Level 5 storm in class. The fact is that little boys are diagnosed with ADHD approximately three times more than girls. Also, black boys are diagnosed with higher rates of mental disabilities and emotional problems than black girls, white girls, and white boys. To be sure, little boys in general are more aggressive than little girls. In some cases, too, teachers are wary of black boys and too quick to dump them into special education classes. This kind of racial profiling and discrimination against active, aggressive black boys by school personnel accounts for some of the discrepancy in the numbers, but the bottom line is still bad.

Why is the problem so grave? A mother can usually teach a daughter how to be a woman. But as much as mothers love their sons, they have difficulty showing a son how to be a man. A successful man can channel his natural aggression. Without that discipline, these sons often get into trouble at school because many teachers find it difficult to manage their “acting out” behavior. If you think we’re exaggerating, talk to a teacher.

Some words of wisdom from Dr. Bernard Franklin in Kansas City:
In our culture too often boys are reared and taught by women who want boys’ behavior to be like girls’. But boys were never, ever created to sit still. Boys are active, always have been, always will be.And so sometimes mothers have to pass them on to uncles or other men. We also have to figure out how to get more males in the classroom so that these boys can have active participation with another man in their lives.

There is another thing that little boys don’t do any more: go to church. When we were kids, once a week we had to get dressed to the nines in clothes we’d rather not wear and spend an hour sitting and kneeling quietly in a place we’d rather not be. But this was a useful and necessary discipline. We learned how to sit still. We learned how to sit quietly. We learned self-control, and we knew the consequences if we didn’t. We could always go out and play ball when church was over, a little wiser for the experience. Today, many boys don’t go to church and couldn’t even put their clothes on straight if they did. Many of these kids have never tied a tie or buckled a top button or shined their shoes. Sadly, the first real suit many of them get to wear is colored orange. And what’s really unfortunate is that the beltless, droopy-drawered look you see on the streets is a fashion straight out of prison. Boys like the defiance of the look, and some make it part of their permanent identity, but that look doesn’t get anyone a job.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM

As these boys move through school, their behavior goes from bad to worse. The schools don’t help much because they are often of terrible quality. Even the good schools are designed to favor girls, whose language skills tend to develop earlier than boys. The boys are much more likely to end up in special education programs than girls, or white boys for that matter. Special education at its best is helpful for kids who need it, but too many kids are warehoused in these classes and never make it back to the mainstream. And if the drugs or the warehousing doesn’t work, the schools finally just suspend the kids or expel them. Troubled black boys in schools are more than twice as likely to be suspended as white boys or Hispanics, and this does no one any good except the neighborhood drug dealers.

Gregory Payton, in Cincinnati, talked about his journey: Going into the service, flying around the country, fixing battleships—that’s a good life. But what I couldn’t figure out was, if it was so good, why did I put my whole life in a tube? I’m talking about a crack pipe. I put everything I ever had in that tube, and nothing came out the end but smoke. After coming out of the shipyard, I quit. When I say I quit, I quit everything. I gave up. I gave up on me. I was homeless. But when I started listening to people, I started changing. And when I started changing, some things happened to me. And one of the things I did was I went back to work. But you know, in Cincinnati, they don’t have ships. So I had to go back to college. You have to have a vision. You have to have people who believe in you too. You have to have people who support you. You feel support. You feel love. They seem like small things, but yet, they’re so big, and they’re so great. One of the things I do know is that we all make mistakes. But where I work now, they have a little sign on the door, and it says: a smooth ocean never helped build a sailor’s skills. What I found out is that it starts with me and it ends with me. I can’t blame anybody for anything. I just gotta keep my head down and keep moving. The thing I do now is I just don’t quit anything.

When the boys get suspended or expelled—admit it, parents—there is usually a good reason. The problem is that not all of us will admit it. Our boy gets sent home, and what do we do? We get angry at the teacher or the principal or the school board. We call a parasite lawyer like those we see on TV. “No, Mrs. Jones, it’s not their fault! How dare they punish little Jovon! Let’s sue.” By the first grade, we’re encouraging the kids to use “the other dude did it” defense, and some of them never forget it. They’ll keep
repeating “The other dude did it” like a mantra right up to the day they die, all too often courtesy of the state of California or Texas or Florida, (at this time the leading states in applying the death penalty). To be sure, the justice system disfavors black males, and some are in the system who should not be. But tragically, too many of our sons deserve to be right where they are.

Those black boys who do make it to high school drop out more often than they graduate. Without a working dad in the home, or in their lives, most of them fail to learn the kind of basic hands-on skills that would help them find an entry-level job. Working fathers can teach their sons about the necessity of hard work and about the need to show up on time and stick to a job. A working parent can also introduce them to a rather simple device that all of us hate but that most of us have learned to live with—an alarm clock. Getting up when you’re tired and going to school or work is not something that comes naturally to anyone. It’s something that kids have to learn at home. One advantage that African-American kids have over most people in the world is the ability to speak English. It’s the international language of business. To be a success anywhere on the globe, you have to speak it. But we’re letting this advantage slip away too. Many of our kids don’t want to speak English. In our day, we used to talk a certain way on the corner, but when we got into the house, we switched to English. Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except for some young people you see hanging around on the corners.

You can’t land a plane in Rome saying, “Whassup?” to the control tower. You can’t be a doctor telling your nurse, “Dat tumor be nasty.” There is no Bible in the world that has that kind of language. We used to blame the kids for talking this way until we heard some of their parents. Some black parents couldn’t care less. Too many teachers, of all ethnicities, couldn’t care less too.
Most black employers we know want to see the entire community prosper. But even they don’t want to hire boys who can’t dress properly, and who speak as if English were a second language. When we see these boys walking around the neighborhood, we imagine them thirty or forty years down the road wandering around just as aimlessly, and we want to cry. The problem is they don’t see themselves down that road.

These boys don’t really know what the word future means. Neither did some of their parents. And that’s why they’re just hanging out at the bottom for five or six generations, trapped in housing projects that were built to stabilize people just long enough to get a job, move out, and move on. Even if there were more affordable housing out there, many of these guys would not be able to find their way to it!

FACE THE FACTS

Black males are failing at alarming rates in the schools. Their rates of suspension and expulsion from school far exceed that of other groups. Given the high drop-out rate, the number of black men entering and graduating from college is far below the number of black women.

Currently, in college and professional schools, black women outnumber black men two to one. And if you don’t think that causes a problem for female students, you haven’t talked to one.
Is it something about being an African-American male? Aren’t we smart enough? Black Americans fought to open doors of opportunity— and now black immigrants are walking through these doors while too many of us are hanging out on the street corners. There is certainly institutional racism—particularly against black men—but racism doesn’t explain everything. Black men are, in fact, lagging. If it weren’t for the relative success of recent black immigrants in schools and college, the statistics would be even worse.
Enough young black males behave badly at an early age that they set the norm for other black boys. The stereotype of the angry and potentially violent black male can lead to racial profiling by teachers in the early grades. This makes it doubly difficult for those boys who are trying to behave and trying to get ahead to succeed. Soon the kids begin to stereotype themselves. These images lead to low expectations for achievement, which then become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Check the numbers:
• Homicide is the number one cause of death for black men between fifteen and twenty-nine years of age and has been for decades.
• Of the roughly sixteen thousand homicides in this country each year, more than half are committed by black men. A black man is seven times more likely to commit a murder (excluding military actions) than a white man, and six times more likely to be murdered. (Black mothers live with these numbers. We don’t know how they sleep at night.)
• Ninety-four percent of all black people who are murdered are murdered by other black people.
• The life expectancy at birth of black men is sixty-nine years, compared to seventy-five years for white men, eighty for white women, and seventy-six for black women.
• In the past several decades, the suicide rate among young black men has increased more than 100 percent.
• In some cities, black males have high school drop-out rates of more than 50 percent.
• Young black men are twice as likely to be unemployed as white, Hispanic, and Asian men.
• Although black people make up just 12 percent of the general population, they make up nearly 44 percent of the prison population.
• At any given time, as many as one in four of all young black men are in the criminal justice system—in prison or jail, on probation, or on parole.
• By the time they reach their midthirties, six out of ten black high school dropouts have spent time in prison.
• About one-third of the homeless are black men.
This is madness! Back in 1950, there were twice as many white people in prison as black. Today, there are more black people than white in prison.

We’re not saying there is no discrimination or racial profiling today, but there is less than there was in 1950. These are not “political” criminals. These are people selling drugs, stealing, or shooting their buddies over trivia.
And when these kids get out, they are no longer kids. Many are hardened cons, and they are then recycled back into the community with the same antisocial, violent skills that got them sent away in the first place.

KEEP YOUR COOL, BUT NOT TOO COOL

We’ll be the first to remind you it’s not easy being a black man in America; it never has been. If we seem hard on our brothers, it is only because we know how hard they will have to work to regain control of their destinies.
Over time, we admit, we have had to adapt in unique ways to survive, to maintain our sanity, and to excel in areas that were open to us. One important way that black men have tried to maintain their dignity and to keep control of their anger is by being “cool.” Even successful black athletes have had to work at being cool in provocative situations as a way of saving their jobs—or even their lives.

For better or worse, we invented “cool.” Being cool, incidentally, is a male thing. For black men, being cool has been a way of projecting strength and manhood in a society that stereotyped us as trouble. It has never really caught on with women, many of whom don’t quite understand its roots or its value. Men tend to. That’s why it has intrigued males all over the world.

Coolness is very attractive as a cultural force. Let’s never forget that black men have made major contributions to American culture as a whole—in music, in fashion, in literature, in oratory, in science and medicine, in sports, in dance, and yes, even in comedy. In fact, no group of people has had the impact on the culture of the whole world that African Americans have had, and much of that impact has been for the good.
Still, for all its superficial appeal, coolness can shut down other emotional reactions and shield us from our true inner feelings. Being cool is protective, but that protection comes at a price. Playing it cool is not entirely harmless and can interfere with our emotional health.

To be cool is to be emotionally detached, at least on the surface. For some, showing emotions is uncool, unmanly. Expressing the kind of emotions that any good father should express—like warmth, love, caring, and grief—is almost impossible for someone who has spent his whole life stuck on being cool. Many who feel abandoned by a parent protect themselves from being hurt by putting on a cool detachment.
Better to put on those bad shades and shut off the world. But when that cool mask comes off, watch out! We have some powerful macho emotions beneath the surface, and when men and boys who have never really learned to deal with their emotions “lose their cool,” there can be hell to pay.

These guys can explode in the kind of rage and violence that make no sense to anyone, not even themselves. How many times have you heard a dude say, “Dunno” when asked why he shot a buddy or beat his girlfriend or hurt his baby? And he may not know. This is the “hot” side of “cool.” If these young men are hurting, they want to put the hurt on someone else—with painful results for themselves and others.

One of the challenges we face as a community is how to channel the anger in young black men. This anger has a lot to do with what their socalled friends and family have done and continue to do to them.

Many young men have channeled a lot of their aggression into a competitiveness that helps them achieve in education, the arts, and other professions.

It helped to have an involved father who was a music teacher, but what distinguished Wynton Marsalis from the beginning was his willingness to study and work hard. Recognizing his seriousness, the New Orleans Philharmonic invited Marsalis to perform with them when he was fourteen.

Tanglewood’s Berkshire Music Center admitted Marsalis at seventeen, their youngest student ever. From there, he was off to New York. Along the way, he also managed to earn the Eagle Scout award, the highest honor in scouting.

Still in his forties, Marsalis has emerged as the premier jazz musician of his generation and is an inspired composer. He has won nine Grammys and the Pulitzer Prize for Music, the first time ever for a jazz recording. The trumpeter has also proven to be a caring human being. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, he organized a benefit for his hometown called Higher Ground and did everything within his power to resurrect the flooded city.
Such drive is usually all for the better. Success in sports or academics or entertainment or business makes us all feel like we’ve got something going on, and it diminishes our own inner sense that we are not good enough. Black men feel less angry when they get recognition from others for their accomplishments.
Still, many men adopt the “cool” stance in social settings even when they don’t have to, even though it accomplishes nothing, even where it is inappropriate, even if it leaves a mate or a child feeling out in the cold—and that’s a frightening place to be.

TURN OFF THE HEAT

If cool is a problem, at least we’ve had generations to deal with it, to integrate it into our lives. Now “hot” may be a bigger problem still. Rappers, particularly gangsta rappers, have ushered in a hip, bold, profane, aggressive style that has few pretensions of being “cool.” Rap builds strongly on traditions from slavery that encourage an in-your-face style of confrontation and a verbal “ranking” on each other. Some male rappers have pushed this style to an art form of sorts, and many have pushed it beyond art of any sort.

Hot leads to trouble too. Hotheads offend easily and let no offense pass without revenge. They are like those dudes you see in a Musketeer movie who insist on a duel to the death in response to the slightest “dissing.” The very idea of a “war” between multimillionaire rap stars is absurd. But rap stars have parents too. And those parents mourn the needless deaths of their sons. There is nothing cool about cold-blooded murder—nothing at all.
Black boys, much more than girls, feel the need to carry on these traditions as part of their identity of being hot and/or cool. When boys hang on to so-called Black English in the classroom and verbal confrontations in the street, they may be hanging tough with their homies, but they are handicapping themselves in the game of life. They can “trash-talk” or “play the dozens” better than anyone on the planet, and that still isn’t going to get them a job or into college.

GET SMART ABOUT SEX

Gangsta rap makes our young people tough, but not so tough that they can walk through prison walls. It can jazz them about sex, but it can’t begin to make them good fathers. No matter how often or how publicly they grab their crotches, crotch-grabbing isn’t even going to get them a bus ride downtown.

Here’s the sad and stupid part. The more socially impotent the black man is feeling, the more he will rely on sexual conquests to prove his manliness. There’s a lot of bragging that goes on among black men when sex and paternity are their main claims to fame. Some will see getting a girl pregnant and having a child as proof of their virility. But what it really proves is their insecurity.
Many young women are equally insecure. When a young man whispers to a girl, “If you really loved me, you’d have my baby,” she finds this kind of “sweet” manipulation difficult to resist. Even though many teenage girls are demanding that their beaus use condoms, others keep quiet out of fear of losing their lovers.

Real men act responsibly, and they sure as hell don’t walk away from the mothers of their babies. Real men make a commitment to these young mothers. If they do not marry them, at least they should take care of their children.
Unfortunately, not all boys become real men. In our poorer neighborhoods, in fact, few do. We deceive ourselves if we deny that there is a crisis among black families. Roughly 70 percent of black babies are born each year to single mothers. The mothers are not all teenagers either. The rate of teen pregnancies has come down. These single mothers are often women old enough and educated enough to make good choices.

The fact is, though, that many of the black females who used to get married when they became pregnant are no longer doing so. There is less shame and less embarrassment. But more than that, some black women simply don’t want to marry the fathers of their babies because these men appear to have little else to offer beyond the sperm. Many of these men are unemployed and unemployable.
Recent studies by scholars at several major universities and as reported in leading newspapers show that a critical mass of young black men is becoming “ever more disconnected from the mainstream society” than they used to be, much more so than white or even Hispanic men.

In poor communities, more than half of all black men do not finish high school. What happens to these guys is not at all happy. Despite a strong economy for the last two decades, most have not hooked into the job market in any meaningful way.
These studies show that the percentage of unemployed young black males continued to climb even as the stock market did. By the year 2000, after eight straight years of economic growth, 65 percent of black male high school dropouts in their twenties did not have regular employment. These were just about the only people in America who didn’t. They couldn’t find work, they weren’t looking, or the warden wouldn’t let them out to look. By 2004, that percentage had increased to a preposterous 72 percent, almost four times more than among Hispanic dropouts. Even including high school graduates, half of black men in their twenties were jobless in 2004.
Because so many black men are unemployed, underemployed, and incarcerated, they are not proposing marriage, and if they did, their proposals might not be taken seriously. A father takes care of his children.

These men have trouble taking care of themselves. The relationship between them and the mothers of their babies is often strained, or worse.

Society keeps laying the problem on the “unwed mother.” You never hear anything about the “unwed father.” We have to talk more about these men and to these men if we are ever to see them assume their responsibilities as men.
What aggravates the problem is the absolute shortage of black men.
Due to their naturally shorter life span, the high rate of death from homicide and accidents, the imprisonment factor, and other problems that take men off the street, there are many more available black women than men at every age level. The odds favor the men and often spoil them.

Not too long ago a television show featured a thirteen-year-old mother who had somehow managed to have two of her suitors appear on the show for a paternity test. One of the boys was black, the other Puerto Rican.

They were fifteen- and sixteen-year-old best friends, who both had had sex with this young girl during the general time she had conceived.

The word shameless comes to mind. Why these people would wash linen this dirty not just in public but on national TV is still another sign that all is not well in the world. Why someone would encourage them and reward them is even more troubling.

In any case, the Puerto Rican boy said he was planning on joining the army. The black boy said he was going to college. Both said the baby would mess up their lives and wanted no part of him. When the results were read, the Puerto Rican kid whooped in relief, the black kid groaned in despair, and the girl cried.
“I’m still going to school,” said the reluctant dad smugly. The fact that a sixteen-year-old can say this on TV without worrying about sounding like a heartless jerk gives you some idea of where his training came from.

Neither he nor his own mother wanted anything to do with that baby. And no one called him an “unwed father.”

TONE DOWN THE CULTURE

The Ku Klux Klan could not have devised a media culture as destructive as the one our media moguls, black and white, have created for black America. Too often on TV news programs, black males are shown as abusive, irresponsible, absentee exploiters. This image may reflect a certain reality, but the media should also provide positive models, and not emphasize the negative.
In 1995, the Million Man March in Washington DC brought together hundreds of thousands of black men who publicly affirmed their responsibilities to their families and children. But even that was not enough to counter the flood of negative imagery.
What do record producers think when they churn out that gangsta rap with antisocial, women-hating messages? Do they think that black male youth won’t act out what they have heard repeated since they were old enough to listen?

Oh yes, then there’s nigga a thousand times a day, every day. Martin and Malcolm and Medgar Evers must be turning over in their graves. They put their lives on the line. Why? So our young people can pick up where white people left off and debase themselves instead of being debased? Talk about lowering self-esteem.

WALK BACK IN

When people say, “I never liked the Huxtables,” we know why. People who don’t like Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable don’t like—or don’t know—their own fathers.

We can’t speak honestly of black culture in America unless and until we honestly address the issue of the estrangement of fathers and their children.

The situation is by no means hopeless. We just have to get these fathers to realize that the children they sired are their children and always will be their children. By walking away, they have punished their children. They leave these children feeling abandoned. Once they come and claim their children, and feel the joy and the beauty of a hug, they will at least begin to understand what fatherhood is all about. But let’s not kid ourselves either. This is much easier said than done.

For no good reason we can understand, society seems to be telling young black men that fatherhood is no big thing. Society tells young people in general to look after number one and to worry about everyone else later, if at all. Like the sixteen-year-old on the TV show—if you don’t like the outcome, walk away. Even if you get married and you’re not happy, walk away. With all the temptations to walk away, the black divorce and separation rate today is 50 percent higher than the white rate.

And black women who divorce are considerably less likely to remarry than white divorcees, partly because of the shortage of black males.
Without being told and told often, young men simply do not know or understand what a father’s responsibilities are. Many of them have never seen a real father in action. Many do not appreciate that fathers are important to a child’s healthy development or that unemployed, separated, and unwed fathers can still interact with their children and contribute significantly to their well-being.
A wise voice from Compton, California, John Hill: The environment is not you. You can rise above those things that have happened to you. Those of you who are raising your children—turn off the television, take some time, sit down and read with them.
Talk to them, motivate them, help them to become something that they want to be. That’s what you have to do. The teacher does not raise your children. Teachers teach. Your job is to raise your own children.

You can’t give over that responsibility to somebody else. And please, whatever you do, don’t let the gangs raise your children.
Gangs don’t raise your children. And to all of them here, we have got to become fathers in our neighborhoods, fathers to our children, and fathers to every child in that neighborhood. We have to understand that we have to be there; the children are only getting 50 percent because only the mother is there.

SISTERS, HANG IN THERE

Black women, bless their hearts, are more loyal to black men than we deserve. Still, they are not afraid to write about the strains in the relationships between us.

Many black men have heard this outcry and heeded it. They have decided to organize, to raise not only their own consciousness but that of other young black males as well. Today, just as black men as a group are more aware of their chauvinism, black women are more aware of the unique struggles of black men. Yet, despite our common history of victimization, we are still victimizing each other—with black males inflicting the most damage.

The reasons for this are not hard to figure. As gender barriers began to crumble in the late 1960s along with racial barriers, women entered the workforce in droves; more recently, there has been an enormous influx of immigrants. These factors led to the displacement of many black male workers. At the same time, the shift to new technology and service jobs left many black men without the education and skills to compete for any except the lowest paying jobs. The job market became more competitive for poor black men with few job skills and inadequate educational preparation.

Some thoughts from Darryl Green: Young girls need to have a relationship with their fathers as well. If that father is not present in the young girl’s life, nine times out of ten she is going to have something wrong with her in the dating process when it comes to knowing what a man is. When I look at my seven-year-old daughter now, I realize that I’m the first man she is ever going to know in her life. And if I screw that up, she is going to be screwed up. So I’m saying to men as Dr. Cosby has said, “We need you all to come back home, fellas.”

Enough is enough. We need you at the crib. Drop the kids off at school in the morning. Pick them up in the afternoon. We need you to have an active role in their lives.

Black men and women have begun to harbor racial stereotypes about each other. Black males who already feel insecure around white people resent feeling a similar kind of insecurity around “strong” black women.

But no one can take a man’s physical power away, certainly not women.

That’s why sometimes—too often—black men overcompensate with rage.
They direct their destructive rage against black women in any number of unfortunate ways—verbal abuse, battery, even rape. Meanwhile, gangsta rap musicians cheer them on.
Unable to fight back, women can unknowingly transfer their rage toward their sons—just because they are male. Black boys in femaleheaded households feel the hurt most when the mother is angry with a black male. If they hear their mom say, “Black men ain’t worth s—,” the boys wonder whether that includes them. When their moms yell, “You’re no good, just like your father!” all the doubt goes away.

Black males and females must take the time to talk about their relationships with each other and with the children. Open discussion, with guidance from counselors, about the sexual and parental tension in black communities is something we all should encourage.

Some black men have already decided to acknowledge that pain and to make their brothers aware of it too. Black men have rallied and formed such organizations as 100 Black Men and Concerned Black Men to help vulnerable young black males and to serve as role models and mentors. Civil rights organizations have developed various “black male responsibility” projects, and some school districts have considered the merits of organizing all black male schools to address their needs.

Low expectations coming from a teacher can cause a child to fail.
Coming from a parent, low expectations can crush the soul.

STRIVE TO SUCCEED

As history has shown, we are a resilient people. We overcome. In the face of all of the obstacles that even the most challenged of our children face, we continually come across stories that give us cause to smile and to hope.

What these stories have in common are two things: kids with the will to survive and succeed and adults who have taken the time to help these kids along. In the story that follows, we add a third element: the power of friendship.

One night, while a freshman at Putnam Vocational Technical High School in Springfield, Massachusetts, Loren Wilder went roller-skating.

When he returned home, he found his whole world turned upside down. The police had raided the apartment and arrested his mother for drug dealing. She would spend the next several years in prison. Wilder finished the ninth grade at his uncle’s house and started the tenth at his sister’s.

When she left for Puerto Rico, he was on his own. Wilder’s buddy, Jimmy Hester, wasn’t faring much better. After years of moving from place to place with his desperately unsettled mother,
Hester broke off their tumultuous relationship and left home. He was fifteen years old and determined to drop out of school altogether. A phone call from Wilder convinced him to come back to Putnam, where they both played football. “If it wasn’t for Loren, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” said Hester.

At Putnam, their coaches kept a close eye on the boys, who would soon rent an apartment together. The school’s guidance counselor also kept an eye on them. The parents of their friend Wesley White watched over them as well.

The Springfield Republican ran an article on the three boys, then seniors, about how they clipped coupons and hunted for bargains to help save money for college. As of this writing, with a little help from adults who read the article, the young men are doing just fine. All three of them are juniors in college in good standing. When possible, they come back to Putnam to help mentor those in situations like their own.

GIVE FATHERHOOD A SECOND CHANCE

Many black men, including the poor, have been struggling with the challenges of a new model of fatherhood, one in which they play a greater role in the child-rearing experience. Black men benefit from feeling the pleasures and satisfactions of being involved with their little ones. Many complain, however, that the mothers shut them out.

How do we change that? If the father has been cruel or indifferent to the mother or to the child, how can we ask the mother to give the man a second chance? It’s never easy for anyone involved. Still, if a mother has a difficult—but not violent—relationship with the baby’s father, it is important to get counseling to help them work through their issues for the sake of the child. Parents should not use the children to manipulate each other. There are counselors in churches, health centers, and community agencies who can help parents learn to work together.

If the father is physically abusive and refuses to change, the mother has no choice but to shut him out. And the father should honor any legal restraining orders until he gets his act together and convinces the authorities that he has. In the meantime, for her children’s sake, the mother should try to find “substitute” fathers among relatives, mentors, and community organizations.
The fact that a black father is unemployed or underemployed should not disqualify him as a parent in the mother’s eyes. These men can play an important role in the household. If fathers take on more child-care and household responsibilities, it lessens the burden on the mother. By participating in the life of the family, men can help relieve the stress that is frequently found in low-income households, as well as strengthen their children’s development.
Children who spend time with their fathers will develop closer family connections and will benefit from the individual attention as they share in day-to-day activities. There are committed fathers out there. We all know the story of the Williams sisters, Venus and Serena, who are both worldclass tennis players. Twenty years ago, their father, Richard Williams, told his little girls they were going to be tennis champions. With the strong support of both their parents, they started on a tennis court in Compton, California, and went on to play on international courts. Mr. Williams believed his daughters would win, and win they did. Dream dreams for your children. They don’t need to become international superstars, but they do need you to lift them up so they can succeed in life.
Dr. Willie Barber, of Baltimore, shared his thoughts: I talk to fathers who want to see their children, but the mom will not allow it, or the in-laws will say, “No, he’s not coming around here.” So there are a lot of barriers.

Sometimes it is tough to forgive people for what they have done. We have to help women deal with that. We have to educate them about the important role that fathers can and should play in their children’s lives.

In recent decades, there have been many programs developed to meet the special needs of black men and their roles as fathers.
Fatherhood training programs now exist in many communities around the country. If you do not have one in your community, contact a social service agency, church, or health clinic to urge them to set up such a program. Fatherhood programs are also a way of encouraging young black men to bond with each other for mutual support.

Finding ways to enable black fathers to connect with their kids is crucial to the kids’ well-being. As should be obvious by now, black men often have to overcome some very real hurdles to connect with their children.

These include child-support difficulties, incarceration, lack of education, and unemployment. In some of the harder cases, the men avoid their children for no other reason than that they see themselves as bad role models. What they need to understand, though, is that from the moment they commit themselves to that child, and as long as they honor that commitment, they can still be a good role model. Our kids, thank God, don’t ask for a résumé or for references. They don’t need to see our bank accounts. They just want us in their lives.

Constructive programs, especially for ex-inmates, are sprouting up in some communities, and we need many more of them. It is in these areas that we need policy changes and a criminal justice system that will support such programs. This is where black people’s historic role as activists comes in.

The Dellums Commission in Washington DC on which Dr. Poussaint served as honorary vice chair, issued a 2006 report that recommended, among other initiatives, the repeal of mandatory sentencing, an increase in the minimum wage, and a restriction of zero-tolerance policies in schools.

We must listen to these voices of wisdom and fight for state and local governments to help us salvage as many black men—and women—as possible. This includes financial support for programs providing counseling, education, and job-training skills. Men need a good steady job that gives them a chance in life; otherwise, they end up back in jail or on the streets. Such men can become permanently alienated from the world, which can be hell on the community and heartbreaking for the children.

When all is said and done, the black child is our future. It’s time for us men to think of the future, to straighten out our acts, to say to ourselves, I am more interested in raising my child than any issue I had before.

I’m going to behave or get help, but it’s about the child. No matter how useless or hopeless a father may think he is, his role issimply to be there. If he makes that commitment, he is a much better man than he thought he was.

ROLE MODELS, PLEASE APPLY

For many black males, chances for success seem slim in many fields because they lack role models. They don’t have a clue as to what’s out there. How many kids in even the smartest Crips set in South Central have parents who have decent jobs? How many of them have available dads at all? How many have moms who are doing something more than just getting by?

Without working parents in the home, or in their lives, how do these boys learn about work skills? From the get-go, respectable careers in the trades are all shut off to them. Unlike their grandparents, they don’t have to worry about segregated unions. But they do have to worry about developing their own skills, and that’s a greater worry still.

Some thoughts from Dr. Curtis Adams Jr. in Baltimore: In order to be a full-grown man, you must see one in action. It’s not just what that man says but what he does. The little things done day in and day out demonstrate what makes a man. And when a boy does not see this, he is deprived, and he feels it. Having said that, girls need to see a good man as well. A woman will not know how to pick a good man if she has not seen one.

Despite the obvious gains that people of color have made in most jobs and occupations, many poor young black males still believe that important upper-level occupations exclude them because they are black. You can tell them this is a new day all you want, but they are still stuck on yesterday. It’s much more comfortable to have someone to blame other than ourselves. That’s just human nature. We must reach out to black youth, particularly black boys, to show them all of the opportunities that are available. But more than show them, we’ve got to lead them, and that takes mentoring and tutoring and coaching.

These kids see all the bad role models you can imagine—drug dealers, pimps, you name it. But positive role models do exist. We’re talking about ordinary black men doing an honest day’s work as cab drivers, counselors, bus drivers, doctors, lawyers, and businessmen, and coming home at night to the mother or caregiver of their children.

When Benjamin O. Davis Jr. entered West Point in 1932, there were many of his fellow classmates who rather wished he weren’t there. To discourage Davis from staying, his fellow cadets would not eat with him or room with him and barely spoke to him except when they had to.

Benjamin O. Davis Jr., though, had something going for him that his classmates did not count on. That would be Benjamin O.
Davis Sr. The senior Davis had enlisted in the U.S. Army as a private and served with the legendary Buffalo soldiers. By the time his son entered West Point, Davis had worked his way up to colonel and understood full well the opportunity that West Point presented.
When the son talked of quitting, the father steeled his son’s resolve.

The son persevered and in the process taught his fellow cadets a life lesson, as memorialized in the 1936 yearbook entry on Davis:
The courage, tenacity, and intelligence with which he conquered a problem incomparably more difficult than plebe year won for him the sincere admiration of his classmates, and his single-minded determination to continue in his chosen career cannot fail to inspire respect wherever fortune may lead him.
It was not good luck or white guilt that led Davis to command the famed Tuskegee Airmen in Word War II or to become the first African-American general in the United States Air Force. It was a combination of personal grit and paternal steel.

DON’T COUNT OUT THE EX-OFFENDERS

Our young men see the bad guys making all that jack and wooing all those women, but what they don’t see is the twenty-thirty-forty years the bad guys spend rotting away in prison. And many do end up there if they don’t end up dead. In California, seven times as many men are in prison now as there were just twenty-five years ago, and way too many of them are black.

We have met with men who have paid their debt to society for the crimes they committed, clear-thinking men, a combination of Black Muslims and black Christians working to heal the inner spirit that has been so badly damaged. It is marvelous to look at the faces of the young inmates as they heed the words of these full-grown men, who speak to them without profanity about the great wisdom that they have inherited but so far mismanaged. And these young men are listening.

This is not the scary ranting we saw in the film Scared Straight. These men know the Spirit. They are talking brother to brother and father to son. The Christian men are talking about how God paid them a visit and how those visits changed their lives.
These men are not afraid to go up to the junior gangsters they see in the street and have conversations with them. This is what we mean by putting a body on these boys. These men provide a counterforce to the recruitment efforts of the Crips and the Bloods and other gangs.

As a society we could do more. We could envision a system in which those who come out of prison wanting help are sent to a local community college. There, at the least, they could finish their GEDs and get reacquainted with the job market.
Those with the interest could complete a two-year program and become what we might call “psychological behavior technicians.” Armed with a two-year degree and some serious life experiences, they could have an important positive impact on youngsters coming up. If these ex-felons wanted to go on, they would not have to stop at two years. They might want to get a four-year degree, or their master’s, or maybe even their doctorate.

There is no reason we cannot save most of them.
The media can help. They can show black male role models across a spectrum of occupations. Right now, sports and entertainment figures predominate. Not surprisingly, many black youth aspire to careers as athletes and entertainers. Who can blame them? But for every guy who makes the NBA, there are a thousand who just dream about it. Dunking over your head is of much less use in the real world than designing a bridge or reading an X-ray.

CLAIM YOUR CHILDREN

We are calling on men, all men, the successful and the unsuccessful, the affluent and the poor, the married and the unmarried, to come and claim their children. You can run the biggest drug cartel in America or win the Super Bowl, but if you haven’t claimed your children, you are not a man.

You can make all the excuses you want, but no one can stop you from claiming your children. It’s not about you. It’s about them. If you have not come to claim your children, you have stolen their hope. You have stolen any kind of feeling that they are worth something. They will likely have no sense of the past, little pride, and even less faith in the future.

They will see fathers at the mall or on TV and they will wonder how stupid or ugly they must be to have driven their fathers away. In going around the country, we have talked to people who create their own solutions, who don’t wait for the government or anybody else to provide funding, who start their own schools and community centers and mentoring programs. Many such programs have already been created by civil rights organizations, settlement houses, churches and mosques, and black fraternal groups. We have to focus on healing these emotionally wounded children.

A word from Mr. David Miller: In the city of Baltimore, with 70 percent of our males dropping out of school, it is very clear we are looking at a community-based tragedy. So let’s talk about a community-based solution—I and some others started our own Saturday schools for black boys. We didn’t wait for the government or anybody to provide funding.

We stepped out on faith and decided to raise the money. This experience is based on the life of Paul Robeson. So we have a very vigorous academic component. We have a vigorous lifestyle component.
And parental involvement is magnificent. You can no longer wait for school districts to do for our children what we know God intended us to do.

So what I would like to see you do is to start a program in your community.
We have to instill fundamental life skills—how to dress, how to act, how to talk, what to do when stopped by the police. We need to do things that will keep our boys close. We also need to teach our boys that they can be entrepreneurs, that they can create their own economic destiny.

As Mr. Miller shows, you don’t stop an epidemic by cursing the world as unfair. You don’t stop an epidemic by condemning yourself as a loser.

You stop an epidemic by becoming an activist and stepping up and being a man. Every male, if he wants to, can be one.
In Baltimore, Richard Rowe and Earl El-Amin led the audience in the African-American fathers’ prayer: First, I will work to be the best father I can be. I will openly display love and caring for my children.

I will teach by example; I will be there for my children at all times. I will encourage them in family values; I will never say negative and discouraging things to my children; I will teach my children to be responsible, disciplined, fair, and honest. As a father, I will attempt to provide my family with love and security. From this day forward, I will hold sacred my role as a father and stop making excuses.

There are great responsibilities parents assume in raising a child. And for a black child, those responsibilities often weigh heavily. Raising a child, in fact, may not be for everybody. But once any adult brings a child into this world, the child’s well-being must come first. And that’s the way it has to be.

Excerpted from "Come on People, On the Path From Victims to Victors" by Bill Cosby and Alvin F. Poussaint. Copyright © 2007 by Thomas Nelson. Reprinted with permission of Thomas Nelson